“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
You Might Also Like
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Generation gap…
wow
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?