“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
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First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Catercrombie & Fish
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.