Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Welcome to the stomach
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.