@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!" Me: "My personal identification number number?" *he stabs me*

@DaddyJew: Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet? Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*

@splegge: Put a pill in wife's mouth while asleep "WTF you doing?" "for your headache." "I don't have one!" Just what I wanted to hear! *unzip flys

@Cravin4: Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings... .. Except at my house.

@ElgatoEsmio: I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS