I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Growing out my freckles.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.