I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
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Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
motivation
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself