I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
You Might Also Like
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.