@TheSkyIScrape_: I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
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@Shen_the_Bird: me: [getting down on one knee] i've wanted to ask you since we met her: me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
@WGladstone: My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.
@sageboggs: "You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?" -second degree burn
@SortaBad: "wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is" *waits literally 4 seconds* "oh there look at that he said his name how convenient"