I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
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Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
TRAIN’S HERE
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️