I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
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[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.