“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Oh yeah that’s it
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition