“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
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[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is