@LizHackett: I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook "Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways."
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@1par8head: Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing...we are about to make fun of people on FB...
@ElleOhHell: HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar* BARTENDER: Why the long fa-- HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
@daemonic3: [spelling bee] JUDGE: Your word is walk "Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk" JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*