I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
You Might Also Like
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Mad Max Arctic Road
Rambo Rambow
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.