@LizHackett: I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook "Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways."
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@thrillhicks: I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there's poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
@singwithTaffy: I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
@simoncholland: 1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note. Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.