I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
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“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
#dalle2
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple