I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
FRED: right
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies