I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Oceanography is all about current events
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
When you can’t find your friend Neil
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS