@lwhit_the_boss: I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it's "adorable," but if I do, I'm "causing a disturbance" and "need to leave"? Whatever.
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@JakeAupperle: Cashier: Cute kid, how old? Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What's my total? Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes. #cashierlife
@kentgrossarth: Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?
@generaldietz: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you? RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
@hippieswordfish: *guy collapses* ICE CREAM MAN: does anyone know CPR DOCTOR:*looks at ice cream cones in both his hands, looks up, then slowly walks away*