‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.