This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok