“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
When you’re here for the treats.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person