“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
This kid is a star!
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.