I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
X-tra spooky blend
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?