I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Got him!
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.