I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
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Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
this will hang in the louvre one day
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.