@LadyofCinema: I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
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@TheTweetOfGod: If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, "Good Friday" would not have leaped to his mind.
@PJTLynch: [At bar] Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now M: Right...sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants #BT140
@IncrediblyRich: I'm going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*