@SocialExtortion: I hate going to the dentist, he is always like "did you eat Oreos before you came in?" and "you are still eating Oreos, I can see you"
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@FrogAvalanche: [two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain] "Hi." "Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?" "Yes." "U still owe me $20."
@iDontWannaBeYhu: Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It's impossible to be sad on a jet ski.
@dulcetry: This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
@KentWGraham: All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.