@SocialExtortion: I hate going to the dentist, he is always like "did you eat Oreos before you came in?" and "you are still eating Oreos, I can see you"
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@Ygrene: Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this Me (being stabbed w/swords): I'm so sorry for getting blood on your swords
@pittdave13: First date Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter? Her: Yes, I love those! Me: Well look at the time this has been fun...
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped u? "Cuz im going too fast?" Cop: Yes, slow down. "But it's been 6 months-" Cop: U can't move in with her yet.