Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood