Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
What
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
everyone has that one prude friend
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want