*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
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sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”