I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Just a bush.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine