I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
You Might Also Like
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”