@politicalmath: I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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@1Happytwit: You don't need to use your words if you're carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
@hardlyrelevant: Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
@ieatanddrink: Just heard that distinct "baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor" sound