@politicalmath: I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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@MattMcElaney: Cashier's playing dumb cause I said "venti" at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
@shanethevein: I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
@daemonic3: [bank] Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN! Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I'm a joke Robber: No I mean- Robber2: Wait! Let him finish