@FattMernandez: I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let's go for pancakes.
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@Elizasoul80: Me: "I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself." Twitter: lol, you said "came".
@GrantTanaka: Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you? Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
@ScottLinnen: Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
@Parentpains: If the liquor store didn't want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.