@imence2: I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
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@jeffporper: Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch.
@ibid78: "Babe there's something I've always wanted to do.." *tenderly moves her bangs away from her eyes then scotch tapes them to her forehead*
@weinerdog4life: When I'm in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I'm having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
@1InTheStinker: The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike! I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn't own a bike.