When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Damn he played himself
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings