I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
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#have a #great #PancakeDay
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
the greatest twitter interaction
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Who.
Did.
This?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi