Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.