I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.