@dril: i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
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@XplodingUnicorn: I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.
@rachelle_mandik: ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.
@ComedicBust: ME: I’ll try and fix it. What’s your password? GRANDMA: Rough&Raw69 ME: Well then, I can probably guess what’s wrong with your computer...
@weinerdog4life: Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there's a wormhole in my kitchen