i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
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I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.