i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
You Might Also Like
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?