@DominicStraw: I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
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@shariv67: When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."
@BigBagOfScum: My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.
@Love_bug1016: Him: you watch too much Food Network Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote Him: its toast and jelly
@GrumpyBahr: Sorry I haven't tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.