I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
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I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I forgot how to panic. Help
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks