Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
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Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog