I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
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I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.