I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?