I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.