I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
this country is so goddamn polarized
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?