I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period