@warbird622: Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can't cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played......

@TedOfficialPage: Imagine this: you're home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers "Bless you" and hangs up

@eliyudin: "WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!" "EARTH" "WIND" "WATER" "FIRE" "HEART" "SELF-LOATHING" get outta here Eli "SORRY"

@thepunningman: Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi Wife: He looks nothing like him Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi

@batkaren: "And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!" HOWLING VOID: [howling]