I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
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[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Krampus.
do what now??
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke