Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
i spent way too long on this
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.