i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos