i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.